Wrestling with God

I have wrestled with God. At least it felt like that. Last month was a difficult month for me. I was really struggling with who I knew God to be in my head and what I believed Him to be in my heart. It seemed that reality started to hit me right in the face. I was watching the price of our building continue to rise and the lack of funds that were coming in. I saw no way that we would be able to pay for it all. Our operations account was very low and our staff shortage was beginning to wear on me. I also have friends going through such difficult things and waiting for God's miracles that are not coming. I KNEW who God was, but will He act like it? Will He really do anything about all of these things? That was my question.

As I tried to share my feelings, doubts and frustrations I would hear all the usual things. "God's timing is perfect." I wanted to roll my eyes. (I am being very truthful here.) "God is good. He will finish what He starts. He is faithful." As people would tell me all those things, I wanted to shout, "I know!!! I know! I know all that stuff, but I am struggling. This is hard!" I was wrestling with God.

I knew that God was all of those things, but I also knew that when He answers our prayers there are often really hard times that follow. David was anointed king and then spent years running for his life and living in the wilderness. The Israelites left slavery and then spent 40 years walking around in a desert. My real struggle was believing in the goodness of God. But I kept wrestling, because in all of that I knew that He was all I had. As Peter said, "Lord, where else would we go?" John 6:38

The truth is that I am in this relationship with God that I refuse to let go of or walk away from. So, like any other relationship we work through it. Sometimes we don't talk as much. Sometimes we argue and often I pout, but deep in my heart I knew that we would work it out. He really is all that I have.

Some friends prayed for me, I kept wrestling and this month I am so much better. The circumstances haven't changed all that much, but I have. I am different. Now I am living and acting like God really is who He is. My faith has been renewed. As hard things come, I will continue to wrestle with God because this relationship is worth it; but when I do, I don't want to walk away with a limp.